10 January 2014 @ 10:00 pm
i love you. sorry if i did something. sorry also if i didn't do anything and i'm making something out of nothing. i'll probably dream about you. i will definitely cry. please talk to me soon. i need you.
10 December 2013 @ 09:25 pm
i don't think you'll ever know how much you mean to me. i don't think you care either. i just fucking. miss you. you were the only one who ever told me i was beautiful. you kissed and held me like i was a treasure, like you were so lucky to have me. we laughed and talked and cried together and we loved each other and i don't care about anything els e i just want you back ik pathettic and lonely and im so fucking empy iniust want you back pleas e. you sai f forever you promi sed me someday and you went and vroke all those promise s and i fucking. i don 't even hate ou. i hsut hate myself because i wish i ha d done something ther e had to be someyhing i coulrbe done. i don t know what to do do you even wan t me still do you event care. it hurts to think you dont and itlm clscared to do this alon e. i can t do it alon e i cant do it alon e im so fuckin g laone i cant even bre a the the walls are closeling in on m e and inm fucking choking i think an d i cant calm down i fucking nee d you. i tol d you i woildnt do somethin g rash and u have to keep that rpomise i have to sho w you im a good perosn but i can t its so fuckin g ghard i jsu t want to stop breahtjng i cant leav e you your e my everything and im in lov w with you still it s only been a fay but inius t fucking g cant tak e it anymore
30 November 2013 @ 02:49 am
jesus christ i've done it again. do you know how when you let someone down in their time of need, and you feel your heart sink and it sinks, low low low, into the pit of your chest and out of the crater blossoms something and that something is a self hate like no other.

and it whispers to you that she deserves so much more than someone like you, a filthy sniveling idiot. It tells you she hates you now and you whirl around and face the demon with hot tears streaking down your face and you yell "NO SHE DOESNT. SHE LOVES ME" but its there and you know its there and you are scared. and the self hate can smell fear, see the cracks in your resolve and slip in. tell you how she won't ever trust you again and you'll be left. alone. and your eyes grow wide and tears flow even more and you're just afraid. afraid the only thing you've ever loved and the only person whose ever really cared for you. cared about you. might be gone. she held your hand so tight you thought it might break but now you wonder if she wants it around your throat instead. and this scares you more than anything. she's your all, you cannot imagine a day without her and you miss her like the city night misses the stars after a week of clean skies. you didnt know you needed her until she was there, and then you knew.

she's so remarkable and you will never measure up. but it is enough to bathe in her light. to sit at her feet and sing soft songs. put her head in your lap and twirl her hair between your fingers soft and thick and tell her you love her. to kiss her and to fuck her and show her. you are the world over and im going to treat you like you are. kiss you like it could be our last one. fuck you until you feel beautiful.

and all this could be taken in a moment from you. you aren't scared for yourself. you love her so much you can't breathe with it and sometimes. sometimes you fuck up but doesn't everyone? is what you tell yourself but its not enough. you need her to hold your hands and tell you "yes. im angry. but i trust that youre better and youll do better next time.". you want her to trust you. still believe that you're worth trusting.

you remember how it felt when you fought. you dont want that feeling again. so you crawl on your knees and when she wakes up tomorrow you tell her all this. and she'll see and say that it was okay. she forgives you. she trusts you still. thats all you want. her forgiveness
27 November 2013 @ 01:50 am
i'm fucking back and worse than ever. somehow when you think you've hit rock bottom, you just keep fucking falling. like there isn't anything there. and when you hit the bottom (you never hit the bottom) and the only way to stop it is to just hold your breath until you forget how to breathe. to stop falling you have to die, and i'm not sure if i'm scared of falling more than i'm scared of just ending it all. how do you stop how do you stop it stop it stop it i'm not what you say i am i'm good i swear i'm better than those things you call me i'm here and i'm human and i'm yelling. no i'm screaming and i'm falling and i want to fucking hit the bottom and hear my neck snap. and i hope it fucking hurts. and i hope everyone. everyone i know is fucking sorry and they cry over my goddamn grave and they wonder what they could have done to stop it to stop the falling. you'll all be sorry when i'm fucking dead when i do hit the bottom and i hope the guilt eats you forever. i hope you can't forget what my broken body looks like, i hope it haunts you till you die.

i don't know what to write because the only thing i can think about is making myself puke again. i've been clean for 36 days, and i do not care any more. i want the release of stress i deserve to be kneeling here vomiting my guts out i deserve the burn in my throat. i deserve to be kicked and shoved and broken. i want to be spit on.

i don't want to be alive but i'm too scared to die. i'm scared i'm scared and this time there isn't anyone to hold me and tell me it'll be okay because it fucking won't ever be okay the only way it'll ever fix itself is if i die. i deserve to be forgotten but i'm too fucking selfish to acknowledge this. i only want to be remembered for something but it looks like the only thing i'll ever be remembered for is dying.

why don't you care. why doesn't anyone care. why does evryone despise me i dknt jnow what i did im sorry i dodnt mean to i really fidjnt i dont want to be thjs j wasnt to be zkmetbjng good i cant even see anymore j fuckkng want tk kist slit my theoat and end it but im tok much of a fucking corwsrd.

im so afraid of everghjhej im sos carsd ykull lesve me for skmeoen better youll leave they always fucking leave snd itd always my fault jn fucking toxic inkill evrrythjng sith mu horrif perosnankity and ugly looks.

no one loves me and im better off dead.
26 February 2013 @ 03:26 pm
i'm posting too much here but no ones ever going to love me as much as i love them. i just need to come to terms with the fact i'm always going to be second best to everyone and learn to be happy with that i guess. honestly i understand why too. it's because i'm clingy and annoying and i get jealous. my personality is suffocating. i am attention dependant. i am doubting and just

i understand why kids make fun of me now