27 November 2013 @ 01:50 am
i'm fucking back and worse than ever. somehow when you think you've hit rock bottom, you just keep fucking falling. like there isn't anything there. and when you hit the bottom (you never hit the bottom) and the only way to stop it is to just hold your breath until you forget how to breathe. to stop falling you have to die, and i'm not sure if i'm scared of falling more than i'm scared of just ending it all. how do you stop how do you stop it stop it stop it i'm not what you say i am i'm good i swear i'm better than those things you call me i'm here and i'm human and i'm yelling. no i'm screaming and i'm falling and i want to fucking hit the bottom and hear my neck snap. and i hope it fucking hurts. and i hope everyone. everyone i know is fucking sorry and they cry over my goddamn grave and they wonder what they could have done to stop it to stop the falling. you'll all be sorry when i'm fucking dead when i do hit the bottom and i hope the guilt eats you forever. i hope you can't forget what my broken body looks like, i hope it haunts you till you die.

i don't know what to write because the only thing i can think about is making myself puke again. i've been clean for 36 days, and i do not care any more. i want the release of stress i deserve to be kneeling here vomiting my guts out i deserve the burn in my throat. i deserve to be kicked and shoved and broken. i want to be spit on.

i don't want to be alive but i'm too scared to die. i'm scared i'm scared and this time there isn't anyone to hold me and tell me it'll be okay because it fucking won't ever be okay the only way it'll ever fix itself is if i die. i deserve to be forgotten but i'm too fucking selfish to acknowledge this. i only want to be remembered for something but it looks like the only thing i'll ever be remembered for is dying.

why don't you care. why doesn't anyone care. why does evryone despise me i dknt jnow what i did im sorry i dodnt mean to i really fidjnt i dont want to be thjs j wasnt to be zkmetbjng good i cant even see anymore j fuckkng want tk kist slit my theoat and end it but im tok much of a fucking corwsrd.

im so afraid of everghjhej im sos carsd ykull lesve me for skmeoen better youll leave they always fucking leave snd itd always my fault jn fucking toxic inkill evrrythjng sith mu horrif perosnankity and ugly looks.

no one loves me and im better off dead.