30 November 2013 @ 02:49 am
jesus christ i've done it again. do you know how when you let someone down in their time of need, and you feel your heart sink and it sinks, low low low, into the pit of your chest and out of the crater blossoms something and that something is a self hate like no other.

and it whispers to you that she deserves so much more than someone like you, a filthy sniveling idiot. It tells you she hates you now and you whirl around and face the demon with hot tears streaking down your face and you yell "NO SHE DOESNT. SHE LOVES ME" but its there and you know its there and you are scared. and the self hate can smell fear, see the cracks in your resolve and slip in. tell you how she won't ever trust you again and you'll be left. alone. and your eyes grow wide and tears flow even more and you're just afraid. afraid the only thing you've ever loved and the only person whose ever really cared for you. cared about you. might be gone. she held your hand so tight you thought it might break but now you wonder if she wants it around your throat instead. and this scares you more than anything. she's your all, you cannot imagine a day without her and you miss her like the city night misses the stars after a week of clean skies. you didnt know you needed her until she was there, and then you knew.

she's so remarkable and you will never measure up. but it is enough to bathe in her light. to sit at her feet and sing soft songs. put her head in your lap and twirl her hair between your fingers soft and thick and tell her you love her. to kiss her and to fuck her and show her. you are the world over and im going to treat you like you are. kiss you like it could be our last one. fuck you until you feel beautiful.

and all this could be taken in a moment from you. you aren't scared for yourself. you love her so much you can't breathe with it and sometimes. sometimes you fuck up but doesn't everyone? is what you tell yourself but its not enough. you need her to hold your hands and tell you "yes. im angry. but i trust that youre better and youll do better next time.". you want her to trust you. still believe that you're worth trusting.

you remember how it felt when you fought. you dont want that feeling again. so you crawl on your knees and when she wakes up tomorrow you tell her all this. and she'll see and say that it was okay. she forgives you. she trusts you still. thats all you want. her forgiveness