amporah: (Default)
2014-01-10 10:00 pm

(no subject)

i love you. sorry if i did something. sorry also if i didn't do anything and i'm making something out of nothing. i'll probably dream about you. i will definitely cry. please talk to me soon. i need you.
amporah: (Default)
2013-12-10 09:25 pm

(no subject)

i don't think you'll ever know how much you mean to me. i don't think you care either. i just fucking. miss you. you were the only one who ever told me i was beautiful. you kissed and held me like i was a treasure, like you were so lucky to have me. we laughed and talked and cried together and we loved each other and i don't care about anything els e i just want you back ik pathettic and lonely and im so fucking empy iniust want you back pleas e. you sai f forever you promi sed me someday and you went and vroke all those promise s and i fucking. i don 't even hate ou. i hsut hate myself because i wish i ha d done something ther e had to be someyhing i coulrbe done. i don t know what to do do you even wan t me still do you event care. it hurts to think you dont and itlm clscared to do this alon e. i can t do it alon e i cant do it alon e im so fuckin g laone i cant even bre a the the walls are closeling in on m e and inm fucking choking i think an d i cant calm down i fucking nee d you. i tol d you i woildnt do somethin g rash and u have to keep that rpomise i have to sho w you im a good perosn but i can t its so fuckin g ghard i jsu t want to stop breahtjng i cant leav e you your e my everything and im in lov w with you still it s only been a fay but inius t fucking g cant tak e it anymore
amporah: (Default)
2013-11-30 02:49 am

(no subject)

jesus christ i've done it again. do you know how when you let someone down in their time of need, and you feel your heart sink and it sinks, low low low, into the pit of your chest and out of the crater blossoms something and that something is a self hate like no other.

and it whispers to you that she deserves so much more than someone like you, a filthy sniveling idiot. It tells you she hates you now and you whirl around and face the demon with hot tears streaking down your face and you yell "NO SHE DOESNT. SHE LOVES ME" but its there and you know its there and you are scared. and the self hate can smell fear, see the cracks in your resolve and slip in. tell you how she won't ever trust you again and you'll be left. alone. and your eyes grow wide and tears flow even more and you're just afraid. afraid the only thing you've ever loved and the only person whose ever really cared for you. cared about you. might be gone. she held your hand so tight you thought it might break but now you wonder if she wants it around your throat instead. and this scares you more than anything. she's your all, you cannot imagine a day without her and you miss her like the city night misses the stars after a week of clean skies. you didnt know you needed her until she was there, and then you knew.

she's so remarkable and you will never measure up. but it is enough to bathe in her light. to sit at her feet and sing soft songs. put her head in your lap and twirl her hair between your fingers soft and thick and tell her you love her. to kiss her and to fuck her and show her. you are the world over and im going to treat you like you are. kiss you like it could be our last one. fuck you until you feel beautiful.

and all this could be taken in a moment from you. you aren't scared for yourself. you love her so much you can't breathe with it and sometimes. sometimes you fuck up but doesn't everyone? is what you tell yourself but its not enough. you need her to hold your hands and tell you "yes. im angry. but i trust that youre better and youll do better next time.". you want her to trust you. still believe that you're worth trusting.

you remember how it felt when you fought. you dont want that feeling again. so you crawl on your knees and when she wakes up tomorrow you tell her all this. and she'll see and say that it was okay. she forgives you. she trusts you still. thats all you want. her forgiveness
amporah: (pic#5614860)
2013-11-27 01:50 am

(no subject)

i'm fucking back and worse than ever. somehow when you think you've hit rock bottom, you just keep fucking falling. like there isn't anything there. and when you hit the bottom (you never hit the bottom) and the only way to stop it is to just hold your breath until you forget how to breathe. to stop falling you have to die, and i'm not sure if i'm scared of falling more than i'm scared of just ending it all. how do you stop how do you stop it stop it stop it i'm not what you say i am i'm good i swear i'm better than those things you call me i'm here and i'm human and i'm yelling. no i'm screaming and i'm falling and i want to fucking hit the bottom and hear my neck snap. and i hope it fucking hurts. and i hope everyone. everyone i know is fucking sorry and they cry over my goddamn grave and they wonder what they could have done to stop it to stop the falling. you'll all be sorry when i'm fucking dead when i do hit the bottom and i hope the guilt eats you forever. i hope you can't forget what my broken body looks like, i hope it haunts you till you die.

i don't know what to write because the only thing i can think about is making myself puke again. i've been clean for 36 days, and i do not care any more. i want the release of stress i deserve to be kneeling here vomiting my guts out i deserve the burn in my throat. i deserve to be kicked and shoved and broken. i want to be spit on.

i don't want to be alive but i'm too scared to die. i'm scared i'm scared and this time there isn't anyone to hold me and tell me it'll be okay because it fucking won't ever be okay the only way it'll ever fix itself is if i die. i deserve to be forgotten but i'm too fucking selfish to acknowledge this. i only want to be remembered for something but it looks like the only thing i'll ever be remembered for is dying.

why don't you care. why doesn't anyone care. why does evryone despise me i dknt jnow what i did im sorry i dodnt mean to i really fidjnt i dont want to be thjs j wasnt to be zkmetbjng good i cant even see anymore j fuckkng want tk kist slit my theoat and end it but im tok much of a fucking corwsrd.

im so afraid of everghjhej im sos carsd ykull lesve me for skmeoen better youll leave they always fucking leave snd itd always my fault jn fucking toxic inkill evrrythjng sith mu horrif perosnankity and ugly looks.

no one loves me and im better off dead.
amporah: (Default)
2013-02-26 03:26 pm

(no subject)

i'm posting too much here but no ones ever going to love me as much as i love them. i just need to come to terms with the fact i'm always going to be second best to everyone and learn to be happy with that i guess. honestly i understand why too. it's because i'm clingy and annoying and i get jealous. my personality is suffocating. i am attention dependant. i am doubting and just

i understand why kids make fun of me now
amporah: (Default)
2013-02-26 03:24 pm

(no subject)

not that it'd be any different i mean i'm probably going to die alone anyway
amporah: (Default)
2013-02-26 03:22 pm

(no subject)

if i could just stop worrying i mean

you're my best friend you can't just post stuff like that and expext me to turn a blind eye like

if i ruined everything i'll probably die of lonlieness
amporah: (Default)
2013-02-26 03:15 pm

(no subject)

i thought i was past the doubting but i suppose not

i'm always worrying always always and it's dumb and i should stop it but
do you hate me? i thought i was past this i honestly was but i'm bright red and crying and i'm just really upset and i hope those weren't about me i really hope they aren't because

i don't think i could handle it if you hated me i don't know what i'd do probably

vanish for 200 years and still come crawling back to you i just

you're my best friend and i love you too much to ever hate you i think
amporah: (Default)
2013-02-14 09:35 pm

(no subject)

shady people hold hands in the darkness of an alley
and they're in love but you can't tell because
it's dark (as it should be)
and all the streetlights are out

so theyre just shadows
people from another world
could be a boy 
a girl
anyone anything (really)
could even be
me and you
amporah: (Default)
2013-02-12 05:56 pm

(no subject)

i'm really just

i feel like no one cares and i know that's not really true and that people do care about me but i feel like they're only doing it out of pity

i'm sad and lonely and i want someone to make me happy but! i need to make myself happy i go through this slump every fucking month and i'm really kinda sick of it and i wish

i just wish i felt better i really do
amporah: (Default)
2013-02-03 10:15 pm

(no subject)

i had fun at megan's today. we really didn't do much other than play tons of video games and talk and listen to music. i ate a really good dinner and her mom called me interesting??? i'm not sure if that's a good thing or not. but yeah! we went to the goodwill and she bought me this red vans with the 101 dalmations all over them? they're hideously amazing.

me and amanda talked a lot about feelings tonight and? holy shit it was so nice like. we didn't even talk about anything in particular we just kind of rambled and stuff. it makes me really happy that she considers me one of her closest friends because she definitely is one of my best friends in the world.

it sounds odd but i'm glad she wants to be my platonic valentine even if it is a joke. i have all this stationary and these things from the japanese market i've been dying to use so even if she takes it as a joke i'm being hella serious.

ugh i have school tomorrow and a new chem teacher? which i'm very nervous about but! not much can be done about that. my huck finn essays due next week and i still haven't even touched it. so yeah. that's about it
amporah: (Default)
2013-02-03 12:01 am
Entry tags:

(no subject)

oh my god this weekend? well not weekend but friday and saturday (being today)((well now yesterday oop)) WAS SO MUCH FUN.

friday in the morning nothing really happened but i went to disneyland with kate and katie again! we had a lot of fun and i love hanging with them? god i love feeling wanted. there's also fob rumors floating around so i was crying about those on facebook when i found out that makayla likes them too? it snowballed on from there until i was following her on twitter and all this other stuff and it was fun! amanda finally got to newport at like two in the morning and so we talked a bit about how excited we were for saturday but i had to go to bed which was hard because i felt like i could kill a dude? fob and then on top of that amanda was in my own town like???

today was stressful at the beginning like, i was nervous, which i now know was fucking dumb of me but I WAS NERVOUS ANYWAY and i don't even know why? maybe that she was gonna hate me or something. but i met her and we hugged and walked around in circles and holy shit? it was so nice and comfortable like, i've never had silences that weren't at least borderline awkward but it was so fun. she had to leave early cause of richard which made me sad that we only got to hang out for an hour but hey! at least we got to meet! it's nice knowing she's real and stuff like, it's comforting knowing she's a living breathing person and she gave me a pin which i put on my pants like she was some war hero that left me to go off to iraq or something. i gave her the ten dollars i owed her about the whole bailey dating that guy bet and the water got amanda all wet and sandy and she cussed me out but i was peeing from laughing so hard.

when i got home i dicked around? freaked out about meeting amanda on tumblr enough to the point whete bailey unfollowed me. good riddance. amanda was typing out something important to someone and then she went to bed so? i didn't talk to her much which bummed me out but i did go to irvine spectrum with my mom and we ate dinner and i talked about bands and megan and also amanda a little just to clear up the fact that i'm not romantically involved with her or anything. i bought this cute phone case and earphone plug and these emote stickers and a card for megan. i also bought les mis (a really nice leather one) and this skirt with cats all over it. also orange tights. i can't wait to wear them!

but yeah. gavin's not at home so it's been nice. dad's gone too and i sort of miss him? well whatever. i'm going to bed. hopefully megan will still be on board with us hanging i can't wait to give her her book!
amporah: (Default)
2013-01-31 11:02 pm

(no subject)

today was??? fun!

my ap euro final was really weird? it was actually easy and aside from the essays i feel like i might have dome good on it? we won't know till later though.

lunch with megan was fun! emily came too, which kinda threw me off at first, but we still had fun. i'm glad i went.

i'm sort of scared she's cutting again but i don't know what to do or how to stop it.
so that was kind of depressing.

after that nothing eventful really happened? my dad left for england which is very bittersweet because i love not having him around but i'll miss him a lot while he's gone.

saturday almost got cancelled which made me want to cry because i was so excited. i hope you're excited as i am.

well i'm about ready to pass out and i am going to disneyland with kate and katie tomorrow! which i'm super pumped for!!!

but yeah! on the morrow and all that jazz
amporah: (Default)
2013-01-30 11:09 pm

(no subject)

aaaaah finals week is almost over!

i had chem and english and?? i don't know how i did on the chemistry one but english was ok. i'm still kinda stressed about the whole like, huck finn essay, mostly because i haven't even started yet. but i'll probably work on it later.

but chemistry??? was really hard and i'm scared that i did something wrong and her class only has a 4% passing rate. but i'm switching so thank god.

and tomorrow's ap euro? and i'm terrified like seriously i am so scared. i don't wAnt to write essays or do anything like, ugh i've lost all motivation.

but on the plus side? i think you hate me now and i'm just like. thank god.

and then friday is disneyland! and saturday!!! i'm so excited holy shit.

but!!! night
amporah: (Default)
2013-01-28 11:00 pm

(no subject)

just like? hey. i think you might need to just relax

friends grow apart, that's a thing that is very much real. it happens everyday.

and i don't know why you were considering me your best friend because you sure as hell weren't mine.

honestly? i'm way happier now that i've met amanda. she doesn't make me feel weird like you do. i don't even know it's just

nice
comfortable
it's really really nice knowing that for once someone cares about me the same way i care about them.

and i'm sorry we never had that. i'm sorry i was tired of feeling under-appreciated and used by you.

i'm sorry i keep apologizing because you sure as hell don't deserve it.
amporah: (Default)
2013-01-28 10:56 pm

(no subject)

SHE STOLE ME FROM YOU????? YOU'VE GOT TO BE FUCKING KIDDING ME???? HOW DO YOU /STEAL/ SOMEONE??? I'M NOT A FUCKING PIECE OF PROPERTY!!! I'M A LIVING BREATHING HUMAN BEING!!! WITH FEELINGS!!! THAT QUITE FRANKLY I THINK YOU NEVER EVEN GAVE TWO SHITS ABOUT AND THAT'S MORE THAN I CAN SAY FOR HER WHO I'VE LITERALLY KNOWN ABOUT 5 MONTHS AND SHE HAS GIVEN WAAAAAY MORE EFFORT INTO CARING ABOUT ME THAN YOU EVER DID.

I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU THINK SHE STOLE ME AWAY FROM YOU? IF ANYTHING SHE MADE ME REALIZE HOW MUCH OF THE REAL ME I WAS SACRIFICING TO BE FRIENDS WITH YOU. SHE FUCKING FREED ME FROM THE HORRIBLE CHAINS THAT WAS BEING FRIENDS WITH YOU BECAUSE ALL YOU DO IS MAKE ME FEEL LIKE SHIT DAY AFTER FUCKING DAY. AND I'M SORRY I WAS TIRED OF FEELING LIKE SHIT. I REALLY AM SORRY THAT I HAVE FEELINGS OK?

DON'T YOU FUCKING EVEN TALK TO ME ABOUT STEALING ME AWAY YOU STUPID FUCKING IDIOT.

I'VE NEVER HATED SOMEONE SO MUCH IN MY ENTIRE FUCKING LIFE.
amporah: (Default)
2013-01-28 10:18 pm

(no subject)

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK i literally hate you so much like holy fuck. i want you to like stop existing just like completely poof fucking vanish i cannot believe we even used to be as close as we were like i cannot fucking stand your guts i want to

i don't know i want you to leave the fucking planet and go live on mars just for the love of god stop hating on me and her because you feel left out of something bigger and because i've moved on to bigger and quite frankly better friendships that you

just please that's all i ask. just let me have my fun and i will let you have yours as long as you stay the fuck away from me
amporah: (Default)
2013-01-27 10:06 pm

(no subject)

i didn't post on saturday because i can't remember what happened on saturday besides the mikey thing which really bummed me out but! whatever. it's his life but that doesn't make it ok to just cheat on your wife like that but i'm done talking about it.

since i stayed up late all those nights it feel like my weekend's just been eaten alive by some kind of monster. but today i went to the movies and that is really all i did. that and stress about finals.

i'm really worried about my french final because last year i got a C on it. my P.E. final is just running laps which bites but! whatever

tuesday i'm going to lunch with all my friends and then friday is disneyland as a replacement for winter formal and then saturday! which i can't wait for!!!
amporah: (Default)
2013-01-26 04:07 am

(no subject)

tonight was really really fun!!!

after school and learning i can't switch my classes (blech) i went to the deli where the really cute asian guy works but he wasn't there but omfg after i went to the gap and bought a bunch of cute clothes I CAN't wait to wear them i love being cute

i'm in a waaaay better mood than i was last night like i don't know if it's cause i didn't do any school work and just cried about bands for 6 hours straight but! i still had a lot of fun

there's only 7 days and i'm so excited but i know you're nervous and i'm scared i'm gonna overwhelm you with my suffocating personality. so i'm sorry if that happens but it's who i am and i can't really control the fact that the moment you start paying attention to me i won't ever leVe you alone
amporah: (Default)
2013-01-24 08:44 pm

(no subject)

ok, you know what? i'm done caring if other people don't care i'm my own person and i can take care of myself and i should not have to rely on other people for my own happiness.

and i keep trying to do that and learn to be happy alone but its hard. it's really hard to have to act like the fact i have to basically entertain myself doesn't wear down on me

i'm like five years old i want attention from people or else i throw a fit